The 8 Time's James's Pickup Lines Didn't Work
by An Artists Account
Summary: The Eight Times James Potter's Pick up Didn't Work and The One Time It Did
1. haven't i seen you someplace before?

The Nine Time James Potter's Pick Up Lines Didn't Work and The One Time It Did.

**I don't own the characters, Anything Harry Potter or the pickup lines used. This story was based on the pickups i found in a profile. Sorry.**

**Please review**

_Him- Haven't I Seen You Somewhere Before?_

_Her- Yes, And That's Why I Don't Go There Anymore._

**I'm afraid I don't own the pickup :(**

**R&R please!**

The platform was bustling and the two new first years stood slightly apart from the general chaos talking, as boy always will, about girls.

"I can get any girl to blush I want to." Boasted a certain James Potter.

"Sure you can," laughed Sirius, who, even at eleven years of age, was turning heads. "And I'm going to be killed by curtains."

They both had a good laugh at that then Sirius suddenly said. "Prove it- Get her."

James looked over at the girl with the scarlet curling hair and felt the bottom fall out of his stomach. " O-Okay," he gasped, then mentally slapped himself and strolled over.

"Hey, haven't I seen you someplace before?" He expected her to flush, giggle and mutter an embarrassed no.

What he didn't expect was for the girl to push her long red hair over one shoulder and say "Yes and that's why I don't go there anymore," before walking off without a backwards glance.

James didn't care that his new best friend was laughing at him.

He was in love.


	2. where have you been my entire life?

_Him- Where Have You Been All My Life?_

_Her- Hiding From You._

**Nope, don't own the pickups.**

**R&R? Pretty please!**

"HELP ME REMUS!" bellowed James Potter, straight into the ear of a very angry werewolf. He werewolf in question scowled and contemplated putting a fist between his friends eyes. Alas, that would probably result in an all out brawl finished with them both getting banned from the library. And Remus liked the library.

So he settled for hissing at him to be quiet instead which, while being less satisfying, did slightly have the desired effect.

"Help Me Remus!" shouted James Potter, though thankfully not in his ear this time, Remus wasn't sure his ears could have taken the strain a second time while retaining the ability to hear anything quieter than Moaning Myrtles wailing.

"What?"

"Help me!"

"NO! I let you copy my potions, I wrote the conclusion for your transfiguration, looked over your Defence that you were too busy playing quidditch to do, and completely rewrote that disastrous thing you had the nerve to call an astronomy essay! Krypton is NOT, I repeat NOT a real planet and Jupiter's third moon if definitely and under NO circumstances Covered In CHEESE! I REFUSE to help you with your History of Magic homework when you couldn't be bothered to even turn up for half the lesson."

"It's not my fault that Binns didn't even notice when I walked in."

"Oh and I suppose the water bomb wasn't you're fault either?"

"No?"

Remus raised his eyebrows.

"But you're so good at helping me!"

"Doing it for you, you mean."

"No, helping me."

"Ask Sirius."

"He was going to copy off me."

"Ask Peter."

"He was going to copy off Sirius."

A waft of perfume drifted across the library and James looked up to see Lily sitting down at a nearby table. Remus scowled and carried on lecturing.

"...So you need to do your own work for a change and... James? James are you even listening to me? No, it would seem not, so I'd like to take this opportunity to tell you I'm in love with McGonagall, sleeping with your mother and have sold your owl to Snape."

"That's nice." He waved an airy hand and made his way over to Lily, carrying his empty parchment. She looked up briefly and looked skyward, apparently counting back from a hundred in French.

"Potter."

"Lily." He replied and sat down, staring at the parchment as if he hoped words would magically come spurting out of the paper and somehow become an essay.

"What? No declarations of undying love? No marriage proposals?"

"I need your help."

"Typical." She smiled slightly, "Hand it over."

"Sweet Angel of Mercy! Where have you been my entire life?"

"Hiding from you."

"Oh."


	3. is this seat empty?

_Him- Is This Seat Empty?_

_Her- Yes, And This One Will Be Too If You Sit Down._

**I Don't own the pickup or the poem. Alas, they're very funny.**

**R&R**

The Great Hall was packed when James finally stumbled in covered in fertilizer and tree sap, his detention with Professor Sprout finally completed. He glanced up the long Gryffindor table and let out a moan. Curse those bloody Marauders! They hadn't even bothered to save him a seat. And it was their fault he'd been caught attacking a rare plant with a major attitude problem with a pair of secateurs as it had attempted to strangle him from behind. It hadn't been his fault he hadn't heard to keep away from that area of the greenhouse. Not only had they failed to help him escape from its thorny tendrils, they'd then laughed so hard when he'd finally emerged from the leafy warren that Sprout had hurried over wondering if someone was dying. Then they had had the audacity to say,

"It was Prongs."

So here he was, faced with a problem. Go hungry for another hour until he could sneak down to the kitchens for some grub, or sit next to Lily Evans...Who hated him...Who he was in love with...While being covered in tree sap...While smelling only slightly better than Moaning Myrtles blocked toilet.

"Is this seat empty?" He ask timidly, all the while praying _'Please don't hit me, please don't hit me!' _

Lily glanced up from her conversation with the girl next to her and gagged slightly. "Y-yes," She spluttered, "And this one will be too if you sit down."

"No-no-no! Please don't go! I-er...Wrote a poem for you!"

"Oh no."

"Oh yes!"

He thought hurriedly for a few seconds all the time berating himself for coming up with such a rubbish excuse.

"Roses are Red,

Violets are blue.

Sugar is sweet,

And so are you."

Lily raised one eyebrow.

"The roses are wilting,

The violets are dead.

The sugar bowls empty,

And so is your head."

"Ouch."

A group of third years sitting near them took one look at Prong's cherry red face and burst out laughing.


	4. your place or mine?

_Him- Your Place Or Mine?_

_Her- Both. You Go To Yours And I'll Go To Mine._

**I Still don't own anything.**

**Please, please, please Review!**

"Hey Lily, look. Isn't that your stalker?" Amber, Lily's best friend, nudged her and pointed across the kiddies play park to where James Potter was heading straight for them.

"Can't he even leave me alone in the holidays?" She looked slightly constipated. Amber seemed to notice this.

"Lily don't make that face, you look constipated."

"Do you think he'd leave me alone if I was constipated?"

One look at ambers face gave her her answer. "No, probably not."

"You'd better go and meet him before he blows something up."

"NO!" Lily suddenly yelled. "I JUST WANT HIM TO LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M IN A RAGE!"

"I can tell darling, now toodle pip, lover boys waiting."

Lily stumped over to James who was grinning like a Cheshire cat.

"No Potter."

"Hey Lily, how are y-"

"No Potter."

"-ou? Good Holi-"

"No Potter."

"day? Hey want t-"

"No Potter."

"-o go out som-"

"No Potter."

"etime?"

"No Potter."

"Oh."

"Yes Potter. 'Oh.' Have you finished now so I can get on with my life?"

"Yes."

"Good."

She began to walk away but James made one last dismal attempt. "Hey Lily, your place or mine?"

She turned around and for one glorious moment he thought she was actually going to say his. But then she flicked him off and said "Both, you go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Then she turned on her heel and stalked off back to her friend.


	5. what do you do for a living?

_Him- What Do You Do For A living?_

_Her- I'm A Female Impersonator_

**As always, me no own nothink**

**R&R Please!**

It was only the next week when James caught up with Lily yet again.

"Potter, " she spat, when she had whirled around to stand nose to nose with him after managing to ignore him for a record breaking forty minutes in the vain hope he would get hit by a car or something. "I have to avoid you the entire time I'm at Hogwarts! Why does it happen in the holidays too!"

"Look Lily, can't we start over please, I know we got off on the wrong foot but please?" Without waiting for her reply he threw himself on his knees and ploughed on, oblivious to the weird looks he was getting from the passersby on the street. One Muggle even almost crashed his car into a brick wall trying to crane his neck to see what the heck was going on.

"Yes, well hello. My names James Potter, in term time I go to a boarding school in Scotland called Hogwarts, I'm in love with someone called Lily Evans, best friends with Sirius Black and in the holidays I work at a Wizarding garage with my mates. How are you and what do you do for a living?"

"You know who I am, where I go to school, who I am NOT in love with and who my best friend is."

"But what do you do for a living?"

"In the summer I'm a female impersonator. Now GOODBYE!"

James stared after her as she stalked off, slightly confused. He had been sure that one would work, oh well, he'd just blame Sirius. That's what he normally did. And note to self, he stuck his hands in his pockets and wandered off down the street, find out what this Muggle thing called a female impersonator is.


	6. what's your sign?

_Him- Hey Baby, What's Your Sign?_

_Her- Do Not Enter_

**Disclaimer: I can never ever be worthy enough to even touch Jo's computer never mind own her stories. Everything belongs to her.**

**Sorry to all you Remus fans, I seem to have made him a bit grumpy. But don't worry, I love Remus!**

"Remus, why did I take divination again?"

Remus prayed for patience. "Because Lily was taking divination."

James sent a sappy look over to the girl of his dreams sitting with Amber a few seats away. "Yeah, good reason."

Remus hit him on the head with his textbook.

"OW! What was that for?"

"Being a prat. You know perfectly well that Lily hates it when you go all soppy on her. Go and ask her about the work or something and leave me with a vestige of sanity left."

James picked up his teacup and strolled over to the girls. Amber caught sight of him and nudged Lily mouthing something which, to James at least, looked very like 'if you're going to kill him try not to get blood on my new shoes.'

Trying not to feel a tad put out by this he said, "Lily can you read my teacup for me?"

She scowled but held out her cup.

"So," he said, trying to sound intelligent and intellectual. And failing, "What's your sign?"

Her eyes narrowed and she grabbed her books just as the bell rang, "DO NOT ENTER!" She snarled and stomped out leaving a befuddled James to pick up his stuff.

"Huh? He asked Remus, "I only meant if she knew whether or not she was going to have a good day?"


	7. How do you like your eggs in the morning

_Him- How do you like your eggs in the morning?_

_Her- Unfertilised._

**As always, no own anything and pretty please with a cherry on top review!**

"Please Potter, _please_, look I'm on my knees and everything, please, _please, PLEASE _ leave me alone."

James looked stunned. "James and please in the same sentence? I never thought I'd live to see this day!"

"It was Potter actually and I just thought I'd try it to see if it was any more effective than Plan B."

"what was Plan B?"

"Painful. For you at least."

"Oh, I like Plan A then."

"That's what I thought but as it still haven't worked I may have to revert to Plan B."

James went pale.

"Please don't hurt me! Why don't you like me fair Lily? I'd do anything for you! If you ever married me I'd do everything, the cooking, cleaning, even the laundry. I'd get up to feed the kids at three in the morning and bring you breakfast every morning! I mean, come on, how do you like your eggs in the morning?"

"Unfertilised. Now this is Plan B!"

"!"


	8. your body is like a temple

_Him- Your Body Is Like A Temple_

_Her- Sorry, There Are No Services Today._

**Me Owneth nowt**

"LILY WAIT UP!"

"OI! No need to yell in my ear."

"Oh, sorry, wait! You waited for me!" He visibly brightened. Lily groaned.

"I've got another pickup for you."

"Oh no."

"Oh yes." He was practically beaming. "Lily, your body is like a temple!"

"Sorry, there are no services today."

"Tomorrow?"

"Nope. Closed for refurbishment."

"Next week?"

"Maybe?"

"No."

"Thou cruel lady, how thou wounds me."

"That's the idea." She walked away leaving him with his laughing Marauders. At the corner she turned around and called back over one shoulder, "It might be opened next term though." Then she vanished down the corridor.

Sirius kicked James's limp body and poked him with his wand.

"What's wrong with James Remus?"

"He's fainted Sirius."


	9. I'd go to the end of the world for you

_Him- I'd Go To The End Of The World For You_

_Her- But Would You Stay There?_

**Last chapter, though I may add some more later on. I Hoped you enjoyed it.**

"I'd go to the end of the world for you."

"But would you stay there?"

"If it would make you happy Lily, then yes."

Lily blinked in surprise. "But-"

"Why do you hate me so much Lily?"

"I don't...Much."

"You don't? So why are you always so...so...so-"

"Sarcastic?"

"Sarcastic."

"Habit."

"HABIT! You've been breaking my heart for seven years because it WAS HABIT? What sort of excuse is that?"

"The only one I could think of at this moment in time."

"That's so lame."

"I know."

"Kiss me."

"JAMES!"

"You said James!"

"No I didn't."

"Yes you did!"

"NO I didn't!"

"Sure you did!"

"NO I DID-"

"Yes you did now shut UP!"

And amazingly, she did.

Though that might have been because she was too busy kissing James Potter to reply.


End file.
